Erectile Dysfunction and Relationships - Erectile Dysfunction and Intimacy
Remember, your doctor or healthcare provider is the single best source of information regarding you and your health. Please consult your doctor if you have any questions about your health, your symptoms, or your medication.
Nature vs Nurture Differences in Men and Women
For some people, particularly those suffering from sexual difficulties such as erectile dysfunction, sexual function is often associated with a degree of anxiety. We all want to be good lovers and to give pleasure to both our partners and ourselves. Unfortunately for many of us, however, sexual skills often seem to be defined by physical abilities and performance. Although men may often define sex in a physical way, this is not the case for a large number of women. What sexually arouses a man is often very different from what sexually arouses a woman. Unfortunately, this difference is often misunderstood, or is ignored!
Consider for a moment how our society has taught men to relate to each other. Think of what we see in movies and on TV. Men shake hands, slap each other on the back and give "bear hugs" to each other on important occasions. A father and son relate by wrestling and other physical play. Men and boys often do things together. They play ball, go fishing, work on the car, work in the yard. For many men, words are less important in developing and maintaining relationships. Action is the name of the game. This is one reason why a sexual problem can be so difficult for guys. Our culture hasn't taught men how to talk about these issues. Concern, embarrassment, and a lack of experience often prevents verbal communication.
On the other hand, women in our society have been taught to relate with words. Women often feel that the most important aspect of their relationship is the extent that the couple can talk about problems. Many women don't consider talking about cars, sports or the things that interest a guy to be "good communication". Women may be much more concerned with the feelings and thoughts behind the actions. Women like to be told that they are valued for who they are or that their assistance is appreciated. Men often take these things for granted and see little need to go into such details. Men feel that women should just "know" these things and that saying them is not necessary-after all, look at all that men "do" that shows our love.
Sometimes, paying attention to these simple differences can make a significant change in the quality of a sexual encounter. Want some examples?
Men "show" their love differently than women.
If you ask most men to describe ways in which they show their love for their partner, many will offer that they are showing their love by doing things for and with their partners. Examples include providing financial support (home, material things, etc.), spending time with her, going for a walk, watching TV, going to a restaurant, getting her car fixed and of course, having sex. Demonstration of love in this way can be called "shared activity". In other words, many men show their love by spending time with their partner and doing things with her-an action oriented approach to love. Words, that is to say verbal communication, is often seen by men as less important-men are trained by our culture to think, "actions speak louder than words".
Many women, on the other hand, often show their affection by discussion and personal sharing. This is the kind of thing many women do with each other. There is a strong emphasis on verbal communication. Emotional intimacy, or closeness, is the most important goal. To many women, being honest about feelings, being open and talking about the relationship shows love for their partner.
Unfortunately, this intimacy is often the first victim of sexual problems like erectile dysfunction. Studies have shown that in couples with ED, not only the frequency of sexual intercourse decreases-which isn't surprising- but the frequency of other affectionate, intimate behavior decreases as well. Men and women experiencing erectile dysfunction in the relationship report less touching, handholding, hugging, and kissing-activities that may be non-sexual, but intimate and reassuring to both partners.
Many women (and men) appreciate a partner who can and will talk about their feelings and be open and vulnerable. If you're feeling anxious or worried about something, and particularly if you are worried about sex or concerned about an erection, why not say so? If you appreciate him/her in some special way, why not say that too?
Most women also want a partner who can say, "I love you". Nothing-neither chronic illness-including erectile dysfunction-nor communication skills prevent a man from pleasing their partner in this important way. Many men simply don't realize how important it is to communicate with their partner in this simple way.
In summary, men and women are different in more ways than the obvious physical ones. Many women want their partner to be genuine, open, honest and considerate, and feel that the important way to show this is through verbal communication. This doesn't necessarily come easily for most men, and unfortunately, many women have difficulty explaining to their partners exactly what they are seeking. It takes real effort to be emotionally available and sensitive to the needs of one's partner. By focusing less exclusively on the physical issues however, a couple can often achieve a new level of closeness and intimacy, even though they are experiencing sexual difficulties.
