Erectile Dysfunction and Relationships - How to Talk to Your Partner About Erectile Dysfunction
Remember, your doctor or healthcare provider is the single best source of information regarding you and your health. Please consult your doctor if you have any questions about your health, your symptoms, or your medication.
Introduction
Chances are that you've already talked to your partner about ED. And the chances are pretty good that it wasn't the most enjoyable conversation you two have ever had. No surprise. Our sexuality-our sex lives-are an important part of who we are as men. And like every other part of our lives that is important to us, when it's not going as well as we would want, or are used to, we're not very happy about it. Unfortunately, that unhappiness often gets in the way of a good discussion….and can make things even more distressing. So how do you avoid it?
Let's face it, talking to anyone-including our partners-about sensitive issues can be a difficult task. And let's be honest. Most of us, if we've talked about sex in the past, have either been bragging or joking. Most of us have NEVER had honest, open conversations about our sex lives. Like a lot of things, we take our sexuality pretty much for granted. So it's not surprising that when we start to experience loss of function, we have a lot of confused, often negative feelings. Unfortunately, these negative feelings often result in even less communication with our partner. Over time, if the communication doesn't improve, we often just pretend our sex lives never existed. All of this adds up to one simple fact. One of the most important steps we can take in dealing with Erectile Dysfunction, no matter how long we've had it or how old we are, is to talk about it with our partner. So where do we start?
A couple of ground rules
Ever heard the old saying, "it takes two to tango?" The odds are that the first time you experienced ED-and the last time you experienced ED-your partner did too. So one of the most important first steps in talking with your partner is to acknowledge what's going on. Chances are really good your partner knows anyway.
Another thing to keep in mind is that just like you, your partner is probably experienced a lot of negative, confusing emotions. But guess what? They may be in a whole different direction from yours. It's very common for the partners of men with ED to think things like:
- "He doesn't love me anymore"
- "He doesn't want me anymore. I'm too old / unattractive"
- "He must be having an affair"
Of course, you are probably thinking NONE of these things. But how would your partner know, if you don't talk? Meanwhile, you may have a lot of bad feelings too. But if you've kept them to yourself, it's going to be pretty difficult for your partner to be supportive. Very few of our partners are mind readers (although sometimes it may seem like they are).
Blame-the game without a winner
It's a sad fact that one of our most common reactions to situations that are distressing is to try and assign blame. We live in a culture that reinforces this message. Unfortunately, it doesn't help much-particularly when we're talking about ED. Sometimes, when we're confused and mad, we make the mistake of blaming others for our situation. And someone blames us, our natural reaction is a defensive and angry one. And so the spiral continues. I blame you, you get mad, make accusations about me, I get mad…it certainly doesn't lead to a loving relationship. So how do you stop playing the blame game?
The "I" of the Storm
One of the most effective ways to avoid the blame game is to use what are called "I" messages. What is an "I" message? It's a statement about myself. As in:
"I am feeling…"
"I don't like…."
"I am concerned…."
And it's very different from "You" messages, which unfortunately are generally the ones that go something like:
"You shouldn't…."
"You never…"
These kinds of statements are almost always guaranteed to make someone angry and defensive. On the other hand, it's hard for me to blame you for telling me about YOU. So give it a try.
What else?
There are some no-brainers to keep in mind. Don't try and start a conversation when you or your partner is tired. Or not feeling well. Or after you've both had a few drinks. Try and set aside some time when neither of you are distracted, and not likely to be interrupted. Don't be afraid to start the conversation with an apology, if one is due. Remember, at the end of the day, it doesn't matter who's right. What matters is that neither of you feels wrong! Last, think through what you really want to accomplish. If your goal is to improve or re-establish a sexual relationship, think through what you want to say. Do you want to try a new therapy? Discuss it with your partner. Listen to her thoughts and concerns. You'll be very glad you did.
Then What?
If you've decided to seek medical help for your ED, discuss this with you partner. If your partner is willing, have him/her accompany you to see your doctor. That way your partner can hear for himself/herself what the doctor has to say, about ED in general and what treatment options might be best for you. Remember, the more your partner understands, the easier it will be for both of you. Remember…the biggest sex organ we have is our brain!
