Erectile Dysfunction and Relationships - Information for Women Your Partner Has ED: Information for Women
Remember, your doctor or healthcare provider is the single best source of information regarding you and your health. Please consult your doctor if you have any questions about your health, your symptoms, or your medication.
Honey, it's not you!
There are many myths and falsehoods about "impotence" associated with general inadequacies, being neurotic or ineffective, even insanity. No wonder no one has wanted to talk about it!
Even Hippocrates, the Father of Medicine, described the cause of impotence as being preoccupied with work or to having an unattractive wife. Today, we know better. We know that 80-90% of impotence, now called erectile dysfunction (ED) may be associated with underlying medical conditions or physical problems. And we know that Hippocrates did not have the whole picture. ED is not usually all in your head. On the other hand, ED can involve psychological factors.
The Body and The Mind
When a man first starts to have problems with his erections, he tries not to worry about it. But when it happens again and then again, his mind races and he begins to wonder what is wrong. He may wonder if he is losing his desire and he may wonder if his partner notices. He may immediately assume the worst and think that he will be judged and that he is no longer a "real man". He will begin to feel anxious about having sex and the vicious cycle begins, failure-anxiety-failure. As erectile difficulties persist, the relationship inevitably suffers. Good communication can help you recover from the trauma of ED.
If you need help, a counselor or sex therapist might be in order.
Reference: The Potent Male, Irwin Goldstein, MD, Regenesis Cycle Publishing, Inc, 1995
Understanding Successful Sex
There are physical factors that must be working correctly in order for a man to get and keep an erection. But successful sex requires attitudes, emotions and relationships that enhance sexual function. A man needs the right stimulation. This stimulation can involve any or a combination of the five senses such as perfume, the feel of your skin, the shape of your breasts. As men get older, more and more direct stimulation may be needed for him to get an erection, so partners need to understand each other and how needs and wishes may have changed over time.
Reference: The Potent Male, Irwin Goldstein, MD, Regenesis Cycle Publishing, Inc, 1995
How Erections Work
Before we talk about what causes erectile dysfunction, let's first take a look at how to get an erection.
Here's what happens when a man gets sexually aroused.
When he sees, hears or feels something "sexually stimulating" his brain sends out a signal that makes the muscles in the penis relax. When that happens, two tubes that run the length of the penis (called the corpus cavernosa) fill with blood. The penis expands and gets hard.
As these tubes expand, they also press against the veins that carry blood out of the penis. Blood becomes trapped in the tubes and the penis stays erect.
It's important to understand the role of blood flow in getting and keeping an erection. In many cases, Erectile Dysfunction is caused by other health conditions that can restrict the flow of blood throughout the body, including the penis.
The Sexual Response Cycle
Understanding the sexual response cycle can improve your satisfaction with your sex life.
Sex is complicated. For some, sex is an effort and for others it seems effortless. For most, there are times when it is great and there are times when it is terrible. Your experience with sex has probably changed over time, from being exciting and tantalizing to more comfortable to becoming problematic. This can be confusing.
THE SEXUAL RESPONSE CYCLE FOR WOMEN
When a women first gets "turned on", she has a tingling in her clitoris and vagina (diagram) and she gets wet. Next her vagina gets longer and she feels more excited. Her heart beats faster, she breathes faster and then there is a rush of enjoyable contractions in the pelvis and a deep sense of relaxation and pleasure (orgasm). Some women may have several orgasms. These feelings start in the brain and emotions and interpersonal issues have a lot to do with the brain's ability to get things started.
THE SEXUAL RESPONSE CYCLE FOR MEN
Just like women, the brain is what identified what "turns you on". When a man is turned on, blood flows into the penis and the penis gets hard. His heart beats faster and he breathes faster. Then the sensation becomes very intense with waves of muscle contractions causing ejaculation. Then the penis returns to its normal state. Men need time to recover before they can have another erection and orgasm.
Reference: Talking about sex-Derek Polonsky, MD, American Psychiatric Press, 1995
I Need Your Help! Can we talk?
It seems that people don't talk much about their thoughts, worries or wishes about sex. Trying to figure out your partner's needs and desires can be tough. When there is a feeling of trust, respect and safety in a relationship, you are more likely to be able to talk honestly and openly. If you make that a priority, there's a good chance that you can restore the happiness and sense of well being that you both deserve.
Talking about sex with your partner might include talking about what you like, what feels good, what's good and what's not. It's important to be honest without being hurtful and you will probably have to reach some compromises. You have to take a few risks. You need to be willing to let your partner in on some things that you have kept hidden. Humor sometimes helps, it makes a big difference if you can be playful and have some fun. Exercise helps, too.
Women Can Have Sexual Dysfunction, Too
Sexual difficulties affect about 30-50% of couples. When men have erectile dysfunction, it is not uncommon that the female partner also has some sexual dysfunction.
No arousal-this occurs in about 10-15% of women. It can be caused by anxiety and blocks a woman's ability to get "turned on". If women are not turned on, there is no lubrication, so intercourse can be painful
Orgasm difficulties-this occurs in about 15-20% of women. This is a situation where women have either never had an orgasm or only has orgasm with masturbation.
No orgasm with intercourse-this occurs in about 40% of women. This situation is not an indication of a problem. It may simply be a matter of stimulation and the women not getting enough direct stimulation during intercourse.
Painful intercourse-this occurs in about 5% of women. This is generally causes by infection and can be treated effectively.
Inhibited sexual desire-this occurs in about 20% of women. In this situation, everything works, but there simply is no interest. The causes are complicated.
